I'm still recovering from 2020
On living with grief, anxiety and the impulse to hide away (plus an update on our dogs)
Spring is finally here! It brought with it daffodils, our first fox poo roll of the year (courtesy of Jess the Dog) and a new housemate in the form of a mouse.
I realised last week that it’s been four years since the start of lockdown in March 2020 so I’ve been reflecting a lot on how much our lives have changed. It seems like such a long time ago that Olly, Jess the Dog and I moved into my parents’ house with all our stuff and ended up staying there for the best part of a year.
We’d been living with friends in London but we weren’t sure what lockdown in the city would be like. In Italy the rules had made it hard to take your dog for a walk and the two square foot patch of grass in our garden wouldn’t have done much to soften that blow for Jess so off we went to stay in the countryside with my Mum and Dad. They had a bigger, more dog-friendly garden and threw open their doors to us (and my siblings and Grandpa, and even extended the offer to any straggling friends) at the first sign of trouble. By the time the announcement was made we’d been isolating at their house for a week already.
As we settled into lockdown, Jess’s Instagram account started to grow. I had begun posting a few months before but, as we were all cut off from each other, Jess’s feelings of anxiety (and, of course, my own) started to resonate with people. Soon I was having conversations every day with anxious people and their anxious dogs, forging friendships and suddenly feeling less alone.
In some ways lockdown was great for Jess. The noise and bustle of London was gone and we got to see her relax and play for the first time. She was the only dog in a six-human household and everyone wanted to take her for walks, run around with her in the garden, throw their shoes for her to catch. She watched us learn bridge, grow lettuce, play darts and set up funny little workspaces in any available corner of the house. Our walks were quiet because the roads were empty. We’d stop by the side of the street to watch ambulances silently roll through the village, wondering where they were going.
A few days into April 2020 we lost my uncle. Dogs are sensitive creatures and suddenly Jess was shut in a house with six people who were grieving an uncle, a brother and a son. I don’t know what had the biggest impact on Jess. Was it going from a chaotic household in a busy area of London to a locked down cottage in the countryside? Or was it absorbing our grief and confusion and anxiety? By the time we came out of lockdown she had become very fearful of strangers and unwilling to let anyone she didn’t know into the house.
When lockdown lifted Olly and I decided to move out of London and renovate a house in Gloucestershire. It’s been… a journey, and not one I’d go on again. When things began to open up I had this urgent feeling that I needed to keep my world small. A partner, a house, a dog, maybe one or two friends (but maybe not?). I thought it was just a sign that I was growing out of my party era but I now realise it was an anxious response to not knowing how to re-enter the world. I got comfortable with my bubble and I didn’t know how to leave it. It’s only just beginning to lift and I’ve decided 2024 is the year I try to get my sense of adventure back, starting with this very red hair.
For Jess the Dog we’re on the opposite track. We’ve learned to keep her world smaller so that she can feel safer and happier. We’ve tried to build her a routine and get to know her comfort zone. We stick with the people she trusts and we’re very careful introducing her to people she doesn’t yet. With the help of some great dog trainers we’ve realised that her life in London was too big, too much. So it’s almost as if, for her, lockdown continues…
Jess the Dog and Otto update
Jess’s 10th birthday is creeping up on us and so is her arthritis. We first noticed some changes in her mobility last year and decided to put her on a course of pain medication. It seems to have loosened her up a bit and we’re seeing more fun in her movement again. She’s enjoying cuddles more and can sometimes be found melting into the sofa, arms and legs akimbo, instead of curled up protectively in her bed.
We’re also considering pain as an issue for Otto. He hasn’t been able to have a physical exam yet because of his fear of handling but we know that he’s got problems with his back end. It’s likely that he’s got a luxating patella, which is a common issue with Italian Greyhounds where the kneecap “pops out”. At best it’s uncomfortable and, at worst, painful. He also seems to have problems with his lower spine so we’re trying to decide whether to put him under a general anaesthetic for a CT scan. It would have the added benefit of giving our vet a chance to do a physical exam, cut his nails and clean his teeth. The toss up is that we don’t think it’s possible to do it without causing more trauma.
Taking care of Otto has given new meaning to the words “difficult decision”. We seem to be constantly weighing up what causes more harm and somehow you never feel like you’ve made the “right” choice for him. While we hash this out we’ve increased his pain medication which we hope is helping.
This is the section of my newsletter where I share the things that have given me a little lift recently in the hopes they might do the same for you! Sometimes these links are affiliate links but they’re always things I’m using myself and finding joy in. Feel free to hit reply and let me know what’s on your Little Lift List at the moment. I’m always looking for recommendations.
A Darker Shade of Magic. So many of you recommended V. E. Schwab’s books to me and I finally got round to reading one! If you’re into darker adult fantasy books and world building then I think you’ll enjoy it.
My Lumie lamp. It’s finally getting lighter in the mornings! But I’ve moved my wake-up time back to 6:45 to get in a run and a dog walk in before work and my Lumie is the only thing that makes it possible.
A Bit Fruity. If you don’t know Matt Bernstein by name you’d probably recognise his trademark Instagram posts. I’m loving his new podcast, A Bit Fruity, which takes deep dives into the events, people, and culture wars shaping the world around us. Don’t forget I made your top podcast recommendations into one big uber-list. You can find it here.
My electronic diffuser. This was a wedding gift and I love it. Someone told me that smells like these can bother dogs so we dilute it a bit more and make sure the door is open in case they want to go and hang out somewhere else.
Last week you all shared your comfort TV recommendations with me over on Instagram. I've been keeping tally in a spreadsheet and I’m going to share am uber-list here later this week. Keep your eyes peeled!
I really like your red hair!